Not every relationship with a narcissist is a romantic one. It can be the one with your parent, a friend or a boss. However, one can wonder: are we all doomed to falling prey to a narcissist, or can one person be more prone to his/her charm than the other?

I believe challenging relationships serve as a lesson of discovering our core values and strengths. It guided me through piecing the puzzle together and understanding my unconscious beliefs governing my world.

I felt ashamed many a time. I still cringe at the thought of being in an abusive relationship. Why didn’t I end this sooner?

I had my insecurities back then. I had subjects I needed to work on, and this relationship was supposed to shed the light on them. And so it did. By its virtue, I became aware of areas in my life that needed growth. Only to be reborn stronger than ever. My insecurities became a catalyst for my self-development journey.

We make mistakes, and that is human. But we also have the privilege to learn from them, and that is a choice.

By sharing my lessons, I want to lift the veil of delusion surrounding abusive partnerships. Just because you became a victim, you do not have to embrace its narrative.

What traits are alluring to narcissists? How can certain aspects of your personality serve as an advantage to them?

What can you learn about yourself by engaging in an abusive partnership? We make mistakes, and that is human. But we also have the privilege to learn from them, and that is a choice.

…

Sensitivity.

Narcissists tend to be described as predators who feed off somebody else’s energy. They are attracted to sensitive and vulnerable people. As a dominating force, narcissists will flourish among people keen on providing them with validation and reassurance.

Sensitive people are truly empathetic, and narcissists relish embracing a victim narrative. Both those qualities supplement each other. What is more, as a sensitive person, I tend to rationalize any bad behaviour, only to blame my motives rather than accuse somebody else of irrational tendencies.

Cordiality combined with being a push-over.

Extremely agreeable people lack the ability to set boundaries. Saying „no” has not been my strongest suit. When a dominant person smells your lack of a powerful emotional compass, they will use it against you to negotiate their perspective and whims. Once your ability to make solid decisions is challenged, others can easily manipulate you into adopting their point of view. Feeling guilty when sticking up for your requests opens a gateway for manipulative techniques to kick in.

Indecisiveness.

People with narcissistic traits enjoy demonstrating their manipulative skills for you to follow their advice. They can smell your hesitation from afar and make the best use of it for their crooked needs. Since a very young age, I struggled with making a decision, no matter how minuscule or grand it might have seemed. I lacked confidence in my own judgment.

Withdrawing from making any declarations stands for unwillingness to take responsibility for your progress. If you are shying away from your reactions to the world, why would you ever lead a satisfactory lifestyle? No one is going to step up and create happiness for you. Be courageous enough to voice your ambitions.

Delicate self-worth is a fertile ground for a narcissist to spread its weeds.

Lack of self-esteem.

My self-worth was shattered. I did not feel confident in my skin. I had unconsciously followed the expectations of others, believing my dreams were irrelevant and had no chance of manifesting. This validation-seeking fragility of the victim mentality becomes exploited by the narcissistic oppressor.

Furthermore, the line between your and your partner’s needs might become fuzzy: where the other person demands are mingled with your independence to care for yourself. Delicate self-worth is a fertile ground for a narcissist to spread its weeds by coating you with adoration, granting false validation. Nobody will ever make you feel worthy unless you realize it yourself.

…

I believe we meet people for a reason. If you happen to develop a bond with a difficult or abusive person, perceive them as a lesson, a mirror to your self-development journey. You can learn a lot from a bully.

Apparently, I became a survivor of a narcissistic relationship. If so, which part of me did not make it alive?

With a fresh view, I have embraced to:

Accept every aspect of my personality…

…without changing who I am. I am already enough. Nothing is broken, hence no parts of me need fixing.

My imperfections are what shape the uniqueness of my perspective. Being a sensitive person is not a flaw. It takes awareness to mould your weakness into a strong suit when faced with a straightforward personality. It is vital to coin your vulnerability into marvelling at the beauty of the world, not as an excuse to be diminished and pushed over by others, less empathetic than you.

Follow my intuition and set up boundaries.

Whenever I do not feel comfortable with any decision, especially when somebody else tries to talk me into it, I will tenaciously stand my ground. I have always been pretty well attuned with my gut feeling. It is hard for me to count how many times I have chosen not to listen.

Whenever something feels off, and I am not overwhelmed with any negative emotions, fear or anger, I listen to myself, not advice from any external sources. I know many people can truly mean well, but I am the only one who can assess where I stand in relation to my dreams and aspirations in life.

Be cool as a cucumber.

I have learnt never to fight back. Nothing takes away the power of an abuser as your lack of reaction. Quantum physics comes in handy: whatever you give power to with your attention and focus, it is only going to be magnified in your experience.

It is challenging to reach a compromise with a narcissist, as they deem your emotions irrelevant. They never seem to truly apologize for that matter, only if any perks are evident. They do not take “no” for an answer. Whenever you try to confront them, an abuser might become aggressive. No reaction is a powerful tool to be exercised, especially in times when we become overstimulated by external influences.

Playing games is no longer in fashion.

Confrontation, not an aggressive one, but a truthful conversation about your feelings is the best way to assess your relationship and your partner’s attitude towards it. People can get very offensive when faced with arguments. However, if a partner cannot handle your worse days, doubts about the current situation, that is not your burden to carry. People should learn from each other how to communicate openly. It is a skill you can hardly possess at the beginning of the partnership, but a competence you need to develop daily.

Find your authentic voice.

I need nobody’s approval of what I like, who I would like to be. Ever. Whether it comes to romantic relationships, parental advice or my friends who at some point in life might not get along with the improved version of me.

I came to terms with not being understood. I would never come to terms with the fact of relinquishing my happiness in the hands of somebody else. Not everyone needs to approve of my choices. That is all right. They do not have the right to bully me for them, though.

…

Where I am now.

After distancing myself from the narcissist, I felt drained, yet, I came out stronger. It takes awareness and an uncluttered bond with your intuition to decode red flags in any toxic relationship. It takes courage to follow your feelings, especially when not one person from your surroundings can relate to what you are going through. All it takes is your authentic power to mute doubts and worries conditioned by years of unconscious programming by “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” of our conventional world.

I accept the fact that we cannot change another human being. We have no control of their perception of the world and the relationship they engage in. However, I do have control over my peace of mind, what I wish to pay my attention to and what partnership makes me thrive. It is not a crime to end the relationship if you feel suffocated in one. Gasping for breath is a sure sign of a far cry for space, and the pandemic has got nothing to do with it. You deserve the breath as it is your life you are fighting for.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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